Breaking Up is Hard to Do – Part 3In Parts 1 and 2 of Breaking Up is Hard to Do we looked at why to break up and what to keep in mind while doing it. In Part 3, we’ll look at how to do it. Have Tact, Have Strength Let’s start with strength: The first person you have to look at in any break-up situation is the same first person you have to deal with any situation – yourself. After you go through the grueling process of relationship appraisal that has to precursor any break up (and for a guide on exactly how to go through that process, read Part 5 of Breaking Up is Hard to Do), you must then deal with another internal battle – you are going to have to hurt this person. You are going to have to go to this person with whom you have shared yourself with, for whom you have cared for; you are going to have to go to this person and hurt them. Of course, you are only going to hurt them in so much as you are going to be the bearer of bad news – you should not be looking to attack them. Keep this in mind or you may end up agreeing to prolong something only to avoid hurting them. Or worse yet, you fail to recognize the effect of hurting a loved one on your own personality and you end up causing your ex avoidable pain and suffering. Once you’ve come to grips with this you’ll be a long way towards gathering the strength you’ll need to win order to go with through the break-up. If you feel like you may not have the strength to go through with it, then you want to put some thought into a letter/e-mail. A pre-written thing can be great because you’ll be able to more articulately describe your feelings. On the other hand, a pre-written thing can be unfair to your ex, and leave both of you with sour tastes in your mouths. If you’re going to go with a letter, just make sure to break the actual news face to face. You can meet in a public place if you’re really scared about what could happen (a park is probably the best public place) to break the news in five minutes. Then hand them the letter and tell them that it explains where you are coming from. I know it may seem like an unnecessary move, it isn’t. Taking the time to let them know in person underscores a major point – the best way to break up with someone is the way that causes as little pain as possible while establishing the new relationship’s boundaries (or lack thereof). Doing it in person is going to cause the least pain in the long haul because it will provide a different finality than a letter out of the blue will. Allow that letter to be both explanatory in nature and prefaced with your actual break-up. Which leads to another question – exactly how should a break-up conversation go? Read Part 4 of Breaking Up is Hard to Do for advice on carrying out the actual break-up conversation with strength and tact. |
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