Dear ODS: I Can’t Tell if He CaresDear ODS, I can’t tell if my new boyfriend really cares about me or if he doesn’t. I keep sending him little hellos and I love yous and he doesn’t respond or he only says thanks. He’s away on business but he hasn’t called me or emailed me in more than 5 days even though I’ve texted him (he has texted me though twice). Does he care about me? Worried I made a bad choice, Misstep in Marquette Dear Misstep in Marquette, Problems in relationships often bubble down to a version of the question you are asking: does this person value me and the commitment I am making? So first off, you are one step ahead of the game in that you are already to the heart of the matter rather than worrying about a potential affair, or this or that. Of course, there is no real way to know the answer. I could say, “ask him, point blank.” But then you run the risk of either turning him off with “neediness” or putting his back against the wall and forcing him to lie. Let me correct that – you never force anyone to lie, you would be putting him in a situation where he may choose partial disclosure over conflict. Either way, you wouldn’t like where his reaction would put you. Then in the same breath, if you can’t ask your partner a straight question and expect a straight answer, then they are probably not the best choice of partner for you (nor you for them). And you also have to give him a break if he is on business and just a busy guy for the time being… but not even dropping a daily hello or the like does speak to a troubling trend. So rather than give you an answer to that question (because I couldn’t tell you what’s “actually” going on) let me offer you this: Be in the relationship that you want. Do not settle for an arrangement that is not going to work for you so as to remain with someone that you want. Which is not to say that you should not make sacrifices and compromise – you have to do that! But you need to look at some of the basic things that you need in your life and if one of them is regular communication and affirmation of feelings, then you need to go get that. In actuality, this forced distance is a blessing – if you can use it for self-reflection then you will be able to be more direct with what does and does not work for you. Everyone wants someone who values them, not everyone needs someone to communicate with them regularly. And if you should choose that this is not working for you as currently constructed, first, give them a chance to meet your new criteria. If he can’t give you what you need, then you should probably go look for it elsewhere. To ask ODS a question of your own, simply address your question to Dear ODS at contact@onlinedatingsites.org. We cannot promise we will answer every single question, but we will do our best to cover as many as possible on the column. |
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