Dear ODS: I haven’t told my date I have a child

Dear ODS,

I’m going on a date and I’ve got a secret. You see, I have a 4 year old son. Even though he is the center of my life, I did not declare myself a parent on my Chemistry.com profile. I’m 23 and scared that my date is going to shy away from the challenges of dating a single parent.

Help!

Will Work for Wisdom

Dear Will Work for Wisdom,

It can be tough enough juggling a dating life with being a parent – first things first, change your profile! If you follow not one single word of the following advice, heed this: Be Honest. The only way you will ever find what you are looking for is when you are open with who you are and what you bring to the table. I know it is scary, particularly at the age of 23, but think of it like this: do you want to end up dating someone who is with you IN SPITE of their feelings concerning your child?

That said, you are you before you are the parent of your child. That doesn’t mean that you should lie or avoid the truth when someone asks, nor does it mean you should party it up and leave your child to the babysitters. It means that you don’t have to whip out the baby album on the first date; it also means that you don’t have to feel any shame of being a single parent for whatever reason that you are; it means that not everything that occurs on a date should carry the weighty subtext of a child. It’s OK to go out and just have fun for a night, whether you are a father, grandfather or cat lady!

Now for this upcoming date, you may have to take some lumps. Sorry, but sometimes it takes a little discomfort to really tackle a problem. The first thing you should do is tell them the truth. On your actual date, physically tell them the truth. Don’t come clean in an advance email or chat, not only will that seem odd at this late juncture but with the sheer number of online daters out there, it’ll make you into an easily discarded liar and will probably lose you your date. Get off of the online world and into the actual before letting them know.

Remember that you are not telling them for their sake, you are telling them for your own. You are telling them because if you do not, you will be thinking about it all night during your date – it will eat away at any chance of a nice evening or even relationship you could have had. You don’t have to make a show of it, but very early in the date, you should say something to the effect of “Look, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that I’ve got a four year old son at home. I’m sorry I lied, I was just scared you wouldn’t go out with me.” Then if they ditch you, they ditch you – you don’t need them anyway.

Be honest with yourself, too. If you are lying about having a kid, you may not be ready to be out and dating. The biggest piece of wisdom anyone could give you is to deeply look at yourself and what you want. You may be looking for something in a potential partner which you can only provide yourself.

To ask ODS a question of your own, simply address your question to Dear ODS at contact@onlinedatingsites.org. We cannot promise we will answer every single question, but we will do our best to cover as many as possible on the column.

3 Customer Reviews of “Dear ODS: I haven’t told my date I have a child”

Lisa wrote on April 29, 2009

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“Look, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that I’ve got a four year old son at home. I’m sorry I lied, I was just scared you wouldn’t go out with me.”

I would say that the person did not necessarily lie nor should feel like they are at confession when on the date. They simply omitted something that, to be honest, many people are apprehensive confronting when dating.

They could very easily add this fact of his/her life into the conversation, or be a few minutes late and simply say “sorry I’m late but my babysitter got stuck in traffic” then see how the date reacts. They would be a much easier way to lead into the conversation about the child.

As a female, I do not see this as lying. There are many many men who won’t even take a look at a female for being a single mom. I think this question should be addressed also to the dating population who shuns upon this type of situation.

Lisa wrote on April 30, 2009

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Forgot the rating! :)

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