Dear ODS: My Dad’s WeddingDear ODS, I’m Cambodian so this is bad but kind of normal, my Dad cheated on my Mom a lot when they were married and I was growing up. They got divorced about one year and a half ago and my Dad is getting married again very soon. I have not met the woman or seen my Dad since the divorce and I’m freaked out about going to his wedding. Should I go or not? Thanks, NoBigBrotherNow Dear NoBigBrotherNow Adultery is a hard one for a family. Not only do you have to deal with the fact that you are made explicitly aware of your parents’ sex lives, you are forced to examine some rather unsettling sides of both of your parents. After all, just as you are forced to face your father’s dishonesty and commitment issues, so too are you forced to face your mother’s codependence and timidity. Fine, you’re Cambodian – that’s got nothing to do with this. I understand that different cultures function with different paradigms of power and gender, but lying is lying. And above all else, adultery is about lying. A one time thing is different, not inexcusable, but different. You get caught up, you’re having problems in the marriage, OK, I hear a one time thing as something different than serial philandering. My point in saying all of that is in saying I understand why it’s tough or you to connect with your Dad. I understand that that disconnect fosters real resentment and a constant sort of scrawling sentence in your mind: “Why would I oblige him, go to his wedding just to make him feel good when he makes me feel so bad?” And I especially understand how going to his wedding with a woman you’ve never met after not seeing him single could really crawl under your skin. But the answer is yes, you should go. But you aren’t going to make nice with your father or give your approval to the new lady. Nor are you going to blow up the ceremony a la “The Graduate.” You are going to take a step towards making peace with yourself. If you do not go, then you will think about your Dad and his relationship with this new woman infinitely more than if you do go. Your Dad is always going to be inside of you – always. And if you continue this pattern of disengagement then you will continue to sequester off a part of your own being. Thus, the disconnect that you feel so explicitly around your father will seep into other parts of your life. And without even knowing why or how, you will start to become your father. And the last thing you want to do is further the parts of your father that have hurt you so deeply. Suck it up, get a great friend to be your date, and go in. It’ll be tough, God knows it will be tough, but you’ll be happy that you did it in the future. To ask ODS a question of your own, simply address your question to Dear ODS at contact@onlinedatingsites.org. We cannot promise we will answer every single question, but we will do our best to cover as many as possible on the column. |
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