Dear ODS: My Paralyzed SonDear ODS, Hello, my husband and I have been married for 34 years and have raised two boys. One of my sons was a drug addict for many years and has now suffered a stroke and aneurism as a result of his drug use a few months ago. He is improving but he is still largely paralyzed in the left side of his body. He has returned home and is living with us again. He just turned 25 so is 4 days from losing the benefits of his father’s health insurance and will be without professional care and no insurance plan will take him now as he is unemployed and in serious need. I’m so angry with him for the years of abuse and taking his father and I for granted… but he is my son and I have to take care of him. His father wants to put him in a home but that is very expensive and it doesn’t feel right. I have to care for my son but I can’t lose my husband, I would be destroyed. What do I do? Thank you SinglePayerNeeded Dear SinglePayerNeeded This is a tremendously difficult situation to navigate SinglePayerNeeded, as any situation where the interests of your child are at odds with the interests of your marriage are. And I really feel insignificant in answering this, like I can’t even begin to fathom what you must be going through – but here goes nothing. You must find a way to separate the anger and sadness you have concerning your son’s drug use with the future. You can’t live your life lamenting cause and casting blame. You just can’t or you’ll end up re-living the past over and over and castrating the future (and more to the point, the present.) And I don’t precisely how you do that, my guess is that it would be a combination of things: therapy would be one, direct communication with your son, I think a spiritual practice could help – you have to be open to a lot of outlets here if you are to tackle it. Secondly, after 34 years, rest assured that your husband needs you as much as you need him. He may not seem like it right now but I guarantee you that he wouldn’t know what to do without you. So you have power in this decision too because neither of you could just leave the other and be done with it. As for the money strain, I have no idea how much those homes cost or how much money you have but I do know that familial responsibility sometimes amplifies our perception of our own abilities. You may not be able to offer your son the care he needs. Which does not mean that you have to drop him off at the home and never see him again – of course not! Nor does it mean that he should go there or that your decision has to be made in the next week or that you are failure as a mother. There are a number of volunteer organizations out there where people intimately connected to permanent disability come and help uninsured and low-income patients. Start there, look into those and get some motion going. It won’t solve everything, but it will help. Small steps. I know it feels like you are in this alone. Not only is your husband pulling you one way, the tremendous evil of “pre-existing conditions” in health insurance cost analysis has to take the wind out of your sails (and of course I noticed your name as well… but that’s another issue). Find a series of practices where you open yourself up. Again, therapy, church, yoga, walking, friends – you have to find a way to emotionally realize that you are not in this alone. I greatly appreciate your question and I hope I’ve helped somehow. I am humbled by your situation and the monumental love that lives inside of you that is pulling you in so many directions. Truly, I wish for you to know that you are not alone in this. To ask ODS a question of your own, simply address your question to Dear ODS at contact@onlinedatingsites.org. We cannot promise we will answer every single question, but we will do our best to cover as many as possible on the column. |
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