Dear ODS: She CheatedDear ODS, My girlfriend of two years cheated on me. She told me she cheated on me with a coworker and that she wants to work past it. I’m exhausted I’ve been thinking about this so much. I thought I loved her but I can’t get it out of my head. What do I do? Jerseezee Dear Jerseezee, Love and fidelity – those two so often war with each other. For many people, infidelity is the one unforgivable relationship crime. Others are more open to exploring reparations. Estimates run as high as 50-60% of relationships suffer breaches of monogamy… of course, divorce rates run right in that range too. There are a few issues at play here, from trust to trust to trust. And while every act of infidelity is a snowflake, here’s what I think about which way you should be looking to go: Why did she cheat? This is going to be a tough nugget to get to as there has already been such a breach of confidence. That said, you can get pretty close to the bottom of it. Were you two growing distant and this was her way of reclaiming some sexual intimacy? Is she somebody who seems okay with saying anything and then doing something else? How dishonest is this person? Because a one-time, “I was drunk, we had fought, he was there” complete ‘Get out of Jail Free’ card is viable… of course it seldom speaks to the entirety of the situation. Is she valuing your relationship differently than you are? I know that all of these questions have probably been running through your head (along with all sorts of other fun thoughts, I’m sure) but when you are dealing with a surge of emotions like the one brought on by your situation, many times those questions are so laced with bad feelings that you end up asking them in a rhetorical fashion to say the least. You have to find a way to actually ask yourself those questions. First, get through the brunt of the hurt. That will take time…so give yourself time. If that thought immediately brings up pangs of “I can’t take too much time, I don’t want to lose her” then be done with the relationship. If that’s what you immediately think then you have dependency issues to the tune of “never going to be fulfilled by a relationship.” Once you are able to more rationally ask questions (the hurt is not going to dissipate completely, but it will ebb enough that other thoughts will be allowed in) then you need to go through the gory details. Was this a one-time thing? Why did she choose to tell you? Did she choose to tell you at all? Remember that you are in the relationship because it works for your life. In my relationships, I need complete and forthcoming honesty at all times, you may not. If I don’t feel that I can trust the person I am with to be honest with me, then I can’t be with them. There are plenty of relationships that do not function that way – look at Bill and Hillary Clinton! That’s not a joke – some people don’t need honesty in the same way that I do. Figure out what works for your life and what this person can reasonably put out. That should account for your answer. To ask ODS a question of your own, simply address your question to Dear ODS at contact@onlinedatingsites.org. We cannot promise we will answer every single question, but we will do our best to cover as many as possible on the column. |
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