Dear ODS: Should I Tell Him I Cheated?Dear ODS, I’m getting married soon…like really soon. And I’m feeling awful and wonderful because I love the man I’m going to marry but in a moment of weakness almost 2 years ago (we’ve been together for 4 years!!!) I cheated on him. It was only once, it wasn’t with anyone he knows and I don’t know if I should tell him or not before we get married and we’re together forever. Sincerely, Flummoxed Fanny Dear Flummoxed Fanny, I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been cheated on or cheated at some point in their dating lives, so the first thing to say is that you are not an anomaly. I know that may read as sympathizing with the abuser rather than the victim to a lot of readers but the truth is, we’re all human and we all do dumb stuff. Part of me wants to tell you of course you should tell him. You broke the trust of the relationship and if the trust is ever to truly exist again then you have to fess up, take your lumps and move ahead. After all, the only way you can ever build the deepest of connections with another person is through the deepest of honesty. Then again, your fiancée may not be in line with that plan once this new information comes to light. Particularly with all of the emotions of a wedding coming up. But my advice is that you should not tell him and here’s why. What would telling him now accomplish? Wouldn’t the act of your telling him essentially be so that you could get this weight off of your chest? And wasn’t your initial affair essentially about doing something for you regardless of him? It would seem that telling him in this instance would be a perpetuation of a very ego-driven behavior pattern that you’ve developed. This is not to say that you should never tell him. I think the time will come and if he should ever ask you outright “Did you ever cheat on me?” then yes, you have to tell him. Otherwise, this is one of those “let sleeping dogs lie” situations. And what’s up with you? Are you honestly thinking that right before a wedding would be the time to bring this up and then move ahead into a happy marriage? That reeks of intentional-unintentional subterfuge to me. So does having an affair in the first place, by the way. I must say this every week, but I think it is the most important thing to be said in most circumstances involving relationships – you need to be honest with yourself and stop coming from a place of fear. Because if all you ever do is worry about what could be lost, then you’ll never appreciate what it is that you have and what it is that could be gained. To ask ODS a question of your own, simply address your question to Dear ODS at contact@onlinedatingsites.org. We cannot promise we will answer every single question, but we will do our best to cover as many as possible on the column. |
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