Good Break-Up, Bad Break-Up – Part 2
In Part 1 of Good Break-Up, Bad Break-Up we looked at the very first rule in breaking it off with someone: always do it in person. In Part 2, we’ll look at the role of clichés in ending a relationship.
No, no – it is You
- Do Tell the Truth
- Do NOT Soften the Blow with Half-Truths and Cliché
How many times have you consoled a confused friend who has just been told “It’s not you, it’s me.” How many times have you found yourself quieting the voice of reason inside of yourself in favor of consolatory agreement: “Of course it’s him – you’re perfect, sweetie pie! Who wouldn’t want you?” Yes, that stuff feels good for a moment… but so does heroin. The truth can hurt for a moment, but the truth will ultimately set you free. This is not to say that you should have a laundry list of complaints organized in a legal brief headed into break-up battle, but you should be able to say concretely and specifically why you are breaking it off. You do owe it this other person. And in those instances when tearfully, your friend tells you what was said to them, it’s OK to agree with the criticisms. Don’t be mean about it but saying “You are a wonderful person, but that is an issue for you” not only is supportive, it brings attention to specific qualities that this person can work on to better themselves. None of us are perfect but some of us are getting better.
- Deflection Bit of Wisdom: Remember back in school when your teacher told you to utilize the sandwich technique when criticizing other students’ work? The sandwich technique goes something like this, “compliment, criticism, compliment.” So too should you look to lead into your truth-telling with real compliments. Not the crap ubiquitous, “You’re a great person” stuff. But concrete, valuable and specific statements that this person can build upon. Even in cases of egregious relationship killing like abuse or adultery, framing those critiques inside of specific compliments about the other person not only helps them out, but helps you out by paying homage to the time you two have spent together. Summarily discounting a relationship will only hold you back.
- The Worst We’ve Seen: No one is getting named, but a certain someone in the Accounting Department actually said to their own ex that they were “the worst person in the world.” Not only is that not true, it takes the ex off the hook because they are easily able to say to themselves, “Between war criminals, child abusers, mass murderers and financial pirates – I’m the worst person in the world? Yeah, OK, I’m lucky to be getting out of this relationship.” Exaggerated complaints almost always come from a place of wanting to hurt this other person. The break-up itself is painful, those extra bits actually become ways of getting around the hurt by allowing someone to focus on immature communication rather than the role that they played in the dissolution of a relationship.
Read Part 3 of Good Break-Up, Bad Break-Up for advice on dealing with the disentanglement of shared friends and possessions in break-ups.
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