Good Break-Up, Bad Break-Up – Part 3

There are No Sides to Take

  • Do Keep your Shared Friends in the Dark
  • Do NOT Go Through the Gory Details

It is not their business. I know it hurts, I know they are asking questions and I know you want to make sure you are acting sanely – it is not their business. One of the most common phenomena in break-ups (particularly break-ups of more long-term relationships) is the lining up of friends behind one party or the other. This is a disastrously unimportant deflection of the emotions involved in a break-up. Getting people to back you is really a way of extending the hurt you’re refusing to feel into a bad battalion. First of all, it’s none of their business. Second of all, it’s none of their business. Which is not to say that you have to keep everything bottled up and politically together, of course not! Tell your Mom, your brothers, sisters, deep childhood friends – tell them everything! But in the case of friends which you and your ex shared, simply saying “It didn’t work out – he or she is still a great guy or girl” is all you should be saying.

  • Deflection Bit of Wisdom: Turning a question around on someone can be a great tactic in half-answering difficult questions. In the case of inquisitive friends, instead of answering “What happened?” with an actual description of what happened, try turning the question on them. “You know, I’m not totally sure. I just know that it wasn’t working – is there anything that you saw?” 9 times out of 10, the person will leave it alone right then and there. The other 10% of the time, you’ll end up with another perspective on your relationship. If you can take your ego out of the equation, an alternative perspective is always worth hearing.
  • The Worst We’ve Seen: This one is painful to even bring up, but we’ve all met people who have divorced parents. The second worst thing that ever happens in a divorce is a child picking sides; the worst is a hurt parent picking sides for them. Do not under any circumstances talk about the dissolution of a relationship with your kids, an absolute no-no.

Between telling the truth, observing the boundaries of shared friends and keeping your break-up face to face, the person you are most aiding in this break-up is yourself. No one is all bad or all good, actively observing and honoring this person whom you once shared your life with is imperative in your own journey. Because if all you do is cut it off and never look back, then you’ll never notice that the same problems are the ones that keep getting you in the future.

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