Square Peg, Round Hole: Inventing your LoverPeople love to talk about the difference between being “in love” and being “in lust.” Laymen and experts alike have come to discuss the finer differences between love and lust as often as politicians talk about the difference between “Wall Street” and “Main Street.” The fact is – no one really knows the difference. All anyone can identify is their own feelings and how things turn out. Everything else is hearsay. So let’s start there in this, our discussion of some of the dangers of falling in love. That you are/were in love and that the whole lust/love thing is academic at best. Inventing your Lover When we talk about “inventing your lover” we’re not talking about actual “Drop-Dead Fred” creation of your lover, rather, the appropriation of qualities and identity which are not in line with reality. A principle danger in love is in overlooking or inventing who someone is in an effort to remain connected with them. This practice extends from the physically traumatic, “He is only hitting me because he loves me” to the emotionally gnawing, “She is only demanding new things because she wants to look good for me.” To address this issue, we have to get to the root of it. Think of the invention of identity as the fruit sprouting from a bad tree. Unless you want to uproot the entire tree, the only way to stop the blossoming of bad fruit is to stop the planting of a bad tree (ie – you can’t fix a relationship that’s borne from bad emotions). It begins before the beginning. The first part of faulty identification is in your frame of mind and emotions. Why are you looking to get involved in a relationship? Are you trying to suppress feelings of inadequacy or loneliness? Are you thinking that if you find the right guy that everything will magically be OK? Are you eager to start a family and… suppress the feelings of inadequacy or loneliness? Those feelings spring from your native inclinations and your past. Most of the time, that past includes most notably major trauma in your childhood. Not all of the time, but most of the time. You will not be able to stop those feelings with something external. Be that external thing a relationship, a drug, food, sex – you cannot address them without directly confronting them as emotional and psychological entities unto themselves. Most people find therapy useful in this process but you could also look to spiritual/religious guidance, family, friends, teachers – any number of people. Books and movies can help start the process and clarify points along the way, but they cannot completely solve your issues. You must get involved with a person in a face to face format. If you find yourself inventing someone rather than observing and enjoying them, immediately seek help. Don’t try and brave it on your own or “just change.” You cannot do it alone, it is physiologically impossible. Because if you don’t address it immediately, you are only going to end up compounding your issues and ending up in a place you never saw coming. |
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