The Importance of Sex – Part 3In Parts 1 and 2 of The Importance of Sex we looked at identifying yourself as a sexual being and talking about sex with your partner. In Part 3, we’ll look at the role sex plays in your own self-image. You are a sexual being. Whether or not you choose to admit it, relish in it, dodge it, whatever – you are an animal, you have parts and drives. You are a sexual being. We touched on this topic briefly in Part 1 of The Importance of Sex, but have returned to it again for a more in-depth look. This is about the role your sexuality plays in your identity and consequently, in the relationship(s) you choose to pursue in your life. Value One of the keystone identity issues brought up in sexuality is one of value. Am I of value? This fundamental question takes on a number of different specific forms from “Can I physically perform and satisfy this other person?” to “Can I get a person in the first place?” to everything in between. It’s important here to filter through the parts of your sexual value identity which are about being of use to someone and about extensions of your own bad feelings or experiences. Remember that it is natural to feel the pressure of wanting to please your mate and that denying that feeling (or any feeling at all for that matter) is never the right course of action in surmounting them. The bad feelings and experiences you may have are also important to recognize not only so you can move beyond them, but so you can clarify and more easily understand the intense feelings that may come up for you during sexual behavior. Once understood, these issues can be communicated. Once communicated, progress can be made. Lets’ look at an example: “I really want to please you but I didn’t have much sex growing up so I feel like I’m behind the curve. How can this get better?” Male, female, young, old, Catholic, Jewish this is the single most common sexual concern. A feeling of being unsure in your abilities because of X reason. So if you feel at all like this may be you, rest assured that you are far from alone and that furthermore, chances are your lover feels similarly. Take the time to address it head on, as uncomfortable as it may be, by putting words on your feelings and sharing them with your partner. Not only will putting words on this sentiment pay tremendous dividends in your sexual and emotional relationship with your partner, it will pay out huge for your relationship with yourself. Sex tends to be something we don’t allow ourselves to talk with ourselves about. It tends to be taboo. Just like any taboo topic, that silence sits in us and begins to intermingle with other feelings we may have. Eventually, you end up in such a confusing soup that you can’t distinguish between what is a simple snag and a major disaster. One of the best things that a relationship can do is teach you more about yourself. If you can find a way to use the faith and love you put in our partner to pull you towards more forthcoming honesty, you will be the one who most benefits. Read Part 4 of The Importance of Sex for some different strategies in getting at your own sexual nature. |
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